Fic: Sleeping With Ghosts 25/27

[milena_1980]

Title: Sleeping With Ghosts 25/27
Author: Milena/milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Underage sex (17, but, just to be safe); suicidal feelings; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Summary: Soul mates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order! Title and lyrics from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo
A/N 2: This chapter may be revised later on. Feel free to point out grammar mistakes.
A/N 3: A huge sorry to everyone who friended me because I got paranoid and locked this fic. Feel free to defriend; I really won't be offended if you do ^^



Very Long Notes
A/N 4: To most of you, this is just another story. For me, it has been a long, long journey, 4 and 1/2 years with long periods between chapters, writer's block, and other things. I feel like it's a miracle I even got this chapter written, and the one that follows is almost there, too. (Damn, I am literally shaking)
And I have all of you to thank, especially those who were my "cheerleaders" along the way. How did a 4-part story become this? I have no idea. I've always written for me, but this, I couldn't leave it unfinished, even though I seriously do not want to end this story, I swear I would go on and on about this dysfunctional couple, I love them that much. That's probably why I haven't been able to write more: I don't want it to end.
Obviously, this chapter isn't the end, but I just wanted to thank those people who stood by me; you guys know who you are.
A/N 5: Whether this meets your expectations or not, deal with it LOL



Each Other


1. Again

Is it really all right with you?

You sit out on the balcony, a bottle of something in your hand. You don't really care what it is, as long as it makes you feel good. It burns while going down your throat and makes you choke a little, sometimes, but that's fine. Burning is good, it is. It makes you feel something. Alive. Or something.

It's feeling cold lately, the first indicator that winter isn't far off. You used to hate winter; they used to be painful reminders of all the things you didn't and couldn't have.

Now, this year, you should be ecstatic. After all, you have everything you ever wanted: Jaejoong sharing your apartment, in your bed every night (well, most nights), his eyes filled with that lovely, yet mischievous light you had loved all those years ago. For all that his personality seems to have reverted from the quiet, nearly lifeless person he had turned into, he is now more . . . lively (if you have to pick an adjective), he isn't taking the same risks he used to (that you know of).

I need to trust him, you tell yourself several times a day, whenever you can't get your lover out of your mind—which seems to be more and more often lately.

Take tonight, for example. You got home after ten, and after a particularly horrible day at work, too. You could have done with some talking or just some comforting, no matter how minute. However, he wasn't there. It's worse on the weekends, when you've made plans and promises, only to have his cell phone play that particular ring tone, and all is shot to hell. As of two weeks or so ago, you finally stopped asking questions.

Trust me, he will say, in that wonderful, soothing voice. I'm not going anywhere.

Anyway, back to tonight. You were tired and hungry, but you lost your appetite the moment you realized the apartment was empty. The meal carefully prepared and set at the table, covered in protective plastic, was left untouched. Instead, you grabbed a couple of bottles from your ever-increasing liquor cabinet and sat outside, on the uncomfortable chair you really should replace soon, propping your feet on its matching companion.

You have been doing rather well the last hour or so, in your opinion, when your cell phone rings, over and over. It takes a few tries, but you finally get your phone to your ear.

You're drunk, Junsu deduces after exchanging a few words.

Yeah, I'm busy, you reply, unable to hide how irritated the unwelcome intrusion makes you feel. Did you need something?

I was just worried, Junsu replies, tone somewhat subdued. I met Jaejoong in the elevator earlier. I was just wondering if he'd returned home.

You know he hasn't, you want to say, but mask the passing answer with indifference. He'll be home soon, you reply, instead. Junsu sighs.

Is it really all right with you? he asks. How he just disappears and . . .

Of course it isn't all right! You want to scream at your friend, maybe throw the bottle in your hand at him. Still, you force yourself to calm down.

I trust him, you say (you lie), and sit down once again. You gulp down some more liquor. Ah, there it is, that calm place you were in before this stupid phone call. Look, I really need to get to sleep. Long day tomorrow.

Junsu agrees, albeit reluctantly, and then you're finally alone again, on your empty balcony—save for those two ferns Jaejoong loves so much—in your empty apartment. You snort and raise your bottle the ferns' way.

To being quiet, mindless beings who can't feel. Cheers!

You chug down some more liquor.

It isn't long before sleep finally claims you.



2. Daze

It's just like dancing.

You look up from your history text book (because there is homework to be done, whether you like it or not), your elbows sore from leaning over the desk for far too long. He's lying on your bed, staring up at the ceiling dazedly.

What is? you finally ask when you realize he won't go on without prompting.

You're not surprised when he doesn't answer. Instead, he lets out a giggle and extends his arm toward you.

Worship me, he demands. Your father will be home in less than an hour, and you really must finish your homework. You really shouldn't be considering this. But then he whines softly, eyes filled with amusement and need . . . Would it really be so bad?

He laughs when you pounce and straddle his hips before you take off your shirt.

Skinny little kid, he teases you, but you're used to it—it's an endearment of sorts.

Oh, yeah,'cause you're so buff, you snap back, leaning down and sucking on his lower lip. He laughs, the sound vibrating against your mouth.

You groan when he suddenly grabs you through your shorts, his warm hand cupping your hardening cock. The sensations take a hold of you, you can't help but close your eyes, unwilling to miss every little feeling. You're already hard and panting—you can feel his erection underneath you—when you finally manage to open your eyes. You find him watching you, deep brown eyes hooded with desire, biting his lower lip.

At once, you want to kiss him, you want to take this one step further, but he stops you, slightly shaking his head.

I want to see you like this. The rush that follows surprises you. You have never felt so wanted, so . . . desired, and now, the way he watches you, so focused on your face, on your heaving chest . . .

He teases at the head of your erection, before he licks the palm of his hand and grasps you, pumping with swift and determined motions. You're lost in the pleasure of it, his motions, the force behind your every action. When your eyes close, you curse them; you want to know what he looks like now, still watching you (worshipping you).

Your body betrays you, though; you can only fall on the bed beside him, let him pull you close for a wet kiss, swallowing his gasps as he brings himself to orgasm.



3. Ribbons

Jeez, again? you complain, like you always do, but you still pick up the discarded piece of clothing off the floor. How completely unlike Jaejoong. He's almost as fastidious as you when it comes to cleaning—except for the dishes, you both despise washing those.

Anyway, right now you find yourself holding a satiny shirt, like those you have seen in those stupid magazines and catalogues the office keeps around for reference material. You've never been into fashion, not really, but it's still easy to recognize the clothing item and the store it probably came from.

He's probably doing well at his new job, you think (as you often do), before you put the shirt away on a hanger, in your lover's side of your closet. Looking at both your wardrobes, you realize just how boring you are. Your side is filled with suits you use for work; otherwise, you can find flashes of color here and there, but black and gray and drab would best describe it. In contrast, Jaejoong's wardrobe is a mess of colors: red, purple, black, green, turquoise, black and some more black, all of which will likely go together in some fabulous yet not quite flashy outfit created by self-proclaimed fashion genius, Kim Jaejoong.

Jaejoong comes home with new purchases every few days, especially boots. He loves boots (more than he loves you, you suspect childishly, sometimes) and he keeps reminding you of how they were on sale and he just had to have them. You can still remember his complaints about too expensive boots when you were kids, so you say nothing, allowing him the happiness of finally owning things he has wanted for so long.

Aren't they beautiful? he gushes over them. You just smile and nod in agreement.

His new fashion choices don't go unnoticed by your friends. They ask about this and that shirt, especially Changmin, who is so good at hiding his intentions with little effort. You just escape the conversations, busy "all of a sudden," answering a call from work that you absolutely cannot ignore, or otherwise listening to Yunho or Hyukjae, safely staying out of earshot and line of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Or something.


One night, you come home to find a team of workers in white overalls putting the living room furniture back in its proper place. They're all leaving with polite goodbyes, when you, all of a sudden, realize the walls of your living room are no longer light blue—they have been painted violet. Jaejoong is standing in the middle of the room, absolutely beaming as he holds a recently purchased green cushion close to his chest.

Well, what do you think? he asks, excitement making him shake all over.

You feel so tired, so drained after another terrible day, that you only manage a pathetic, That's nice, before heading straight for bed.


Heeyoung, Jaejoong's nurse, appears increasingly worried as days pass. However, she assures you that the older man is taking his medication.

Maybe you should take him back to the doctor, she suggests. Could be he needs an increase in dosage.

You're so tired, though, so exhausted by work, and worry and stress and life, that you're sure you will explode one of these days.

Therefore, it's easier to ignore it, easy to accept the meals Jaejoong so enjoys cooking, the changes in the apartment, his new clothes, the disappearances.

All of it.

It certainly becomes even easier when you drown all of it in a bottle of scotch. Every night, out on the balcony, you think you can feel your lover tipping the bottle further up, holding it in place, until you drown in a sea of alcohol.



4. Chances

Woo-Hoo!!!!!!!! Yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

He opens the passenger door window and slips out up to his waist, and screams happily as the wind beats at his skin. Meanwhile, you pull at his clothes desperately, driving that beat up and unsteady car while trying to keep your eyes on the road. An eternity seems to pass, of him yelling out in freedom, and you in terror.

Finally, he slips back inside the car.

Man, what a rush! he declares, laughing happily. His cheeks and nose are red, but he doesn't care (as per usual). You should do it sometime.

You frown.

No way!

Chicken! He bursts out laughing when you glare.

After that, you both fall silent. You're surprised by it—he seemed to be in one of his happy moods tonight. However, he just slides down in his seat until the side of his face rests against the open window ledge. Dangerous, you think at once. At the same time, however, you can't stop thinking just how beautiful he looks, the wind mussing up his dark hair, eyes bright and . . . alive.

Hey he speaks, suddenly. Why don't we just go on driving? See where the road takes us?

It isn't the first time he has suggested it. There is something about the way he says it, though; you don't feel like saying no.

As though in answer, you step on the accelerator, willing to face anything, just as long as he's by your side.



5. Flight

Whatever makes him happy, makes me happy, too.

Junsu likes parties, always has. Once upon a time, a young, university-aged Park Yoochun had hated them, yet put up with them, because they made his then lover happy. It is also a fact that Jaejoong also loves parties, perhaps far more than Junsu ever will. The pale-skinned man keeps pulling Yunho into the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the living room, showing off his moves—their moves—probably perfected after so many years together.

Part of you wishes you could join in the festivities—Junsu's idea, as always trying to get you to unwind and come out of that shell you have retreated into and refuse to come out of—however, the other, more honest part of your psyche, is perfectly happy to sit out on the balcony and ignore everyone. Nagging, that's all Junsu and Changmin do lately.

You should demand answers, Changmin will say, brown eyes filled with pain and worry. However, you refuse to listen, over and over. Confronting your lover will lead to one thing and one thing only: his choice to disappear from your life once again. You don't think you could survive it were it to happen one more time.

Death would be the only way out, you think to yourself whenever the idea pops up in your busy, overcharged mind. After so much time together, after all the sacrifices, you would rather just die.

Here you are. Upon looking up, you find Hyukjae closing the sliding door behind himself. He sits next to you on the floor—Junsu will probably be a pain about stains, but, who cares? It's not like he usually does the laundry, anyway. Wine? the dancer offers, showing you a full bottle of red wine. You present your empty glass; he fills it.

Getting boring in there? you question him. There's no other reason he would be outside with you, of all people. However, he just smiles as he shakes his head.

Actually, it's pretty lively in there, he answers. A bit too lively for me, actually.

I thought you loved parties. He shrugs.

Whatever makes him happy makes me happy, too. He smirks.

It takes far too long for the implication of those words to finally dawn on you. You cough, far more dramatically than warranted.

Dude, warn a guy, will you? He just smirks, clearly enjoying your discomfort.

You drink together for a while, the music coming from inside not quite as bothersome as you had initially feared.

How are things going with him? he asks, suddenly. You don't need for him to clarify what nor who he means. You shrug.

It's going, you reply, almost noncommittally.

Hyukjae sighs, one of those impatient sighs you've heard from Junsu far too many times.

Ignoring the problem won't make it go away, you know, Hyukjae says. He rarely ever speaks seriously, but you think that he's the person making the most sense this evening; hell, probably all year. Junsu and the others only make you feel uncertain, confused and miserable; Jaejoong makes you feel helpless and . . . many other things, among which "stupid" is included.

You don't have to see him right now to know that he's having fun tonight, the most he has had in what seems like forever. Inviting some of Junsu's old friends has proven to be just what the doctor ordered. Despite your own unhappiness, you know that coming over was the best course of action. However . . .

What if choosing not to ignore the problem causes it to disappear altogether? you chance. Hyukjae gives you a sad smile.

You know that saying, 'if you love something, set it free; if it returns to you, it is yours'? You nod. How many times have you let him go? How many times has he come back?

You stare at him, amazed.

We don't appreciate you half as much as we should, you tell him and even mean it. He shrugs and grins.

What can I say? It's a gift. He raises the bottle and serves both of you some more wine. Come on. A toast to lovers who are nothing but trouble, yet worth every bit of it.

You snort softly but raise your glass, nonetheless.



6. Thrice

That party sure put some things in perspective, Jaejoong says. He takes off his clothes as he walks into the living room; like always, you pick up after him.

Such as?

We're getting damn old.

Speak for yourself, you protest at once.

Surprised, he stares at you. You stare at him. Before you know it, you're both doubled over in laughter. Of all the things he could have said about the party, that was certainly not one of them; and, rather obviously, he didn't expect such a Jaejoong-like retort to leave your lips. You lean against the wall, his shirt draped over your arm.

Say that when we're in our sixties, you tell him. He stares at you, his dark eyes unreadable, like when he's trying to figure you out.

Will you still be here? When I'm sixty?

You can't help but smile gently at the uncertainty in his voice.

Unless a truck runs me over or I meet some other form of gruesome death, I can assure you. You pause, still smiling, trying to pour all your love into that one gaze. I will definitely still be here. You will never be rid of me.

The smile that widens his delicious lips makes your knees shake, all of a sudden. Oh, yeah, you think to yourself, I am definitely going to get me some tonight.

He nearly pounces on you and kisses you hard, almost desperately. He's still half-dressed, his back and chest entirely bare and warm and wonderful underneath your hands. Your senses are all attuned to him, so much that you don't even notice that he has pushed you on his side of the bed and is straddling your waist, acting so much like the passionate man who used to make you shiver with just a glance.

He's still the same man, you remind yourself, even as mismatched scarves appear from nowhere and then pale hands start fastening your wrists to the bedposts. At once, you have to make an effort to find some excuse to refuse, entirely uncomfortable with the idea of feeling helpless—even in his arms.

I'll make you feel good, he promises in his most seductive voice. It's enough to calm your nerves, so you let go . . . until you hear it, the nearly inaudible clinking of plastic against plastic.

What is that? you ask, at once. Jaejoong leans down to kiss you, clearly trying to distract you, but you don't give in, feeling under the mattress, until you find a tear, and then an opening. Your lover sighs and gets off you, bracing himself for what he's sure is coming.

Your pills, you say, recognizing the cylindrical bottles and the colorful tablets inside them. You haven't been taking them. You don't know what's worse: knowing that he has been lying to you so baldly, or that you wanted for him to be who he used to be so desperately that you chose not to question what was so obviously happening.

How long? you ask, voice small even as you hold the plastic bag holding several months' worth of medication. Huddling in a corner, he shrugs.

Four, five months, he admits.

You close your eyes, hating yourself. You want to scream, yell, you want to blame him for every terrible thing that has happened to you the last five, ten years of your life. Except that you can't. You knew, when you let him in, you knew.

You should have told me, you go on, knowing that you sound accusatory, but not really caring. He shrugs again, hurt and anger beginning to swirl in his dark eyes.

I'll leave, he says. You shake your head. Nevertheless, he stands up and goes up to the closet, grabbing a large bag and filling it with his clothes.

This isn't the answer, you tell him, though you're not sure of that yourself. You stand up, the plastic bag of pills in your hand. Why didn't you tell me!?

He glares at you.

Because I hate them! He sounds like his true self for the first time in what seems like forever. I am not some pathetic, lazy, disgusting person who can barely take care of himself. At least this way, I can work, I can be useful, I can even fuck you, or have you not realized that, yet?

This is still not the answer! You scream, throwing the bag of pills against the carpeted floor. Leaving is never, ever the answer!

Then what am I supposed to do? He looks so hurt, so angry, yet vulnerable, kneeling on the floor. If I stay, I hurt you. I'd rather not do that. So, please, just let me go. Have your life back.

Finally, you lose it. You want to break something, so you do, grabbing the lamp on your side of the bed and throwing it against the wall. The ceramic shatters into smaller pieces, blue nearly shimmering under the dim light.

Don't go, you repeat, chest heaving, barely able to get those words past your lips.

What else am I supposed to do? he asks, sounding small. Is he scared of you now? You hate the thought of that, but, if you hadn't, if you hadn't hurt the stupid, fucking lamp . . .

You can't just run away every time things get tough! you scream at him. You have thought it, so many, many times, but you have never been strong enough to say it, always weak to his words, and his kisses. Later, you knew he couldn't leave, he depended on you; that gave you all the security you needed. This time, however, he's on the floor, a bag on the floor, shirts and pants and shoes, all thrown in haphazardly.

Fuck you! he explodes at you. You didn't know what you were expecting, but uncontrolled fury wasn't it. You're angry at him, the angriest you have ever been, and that's really saying something. You knew, when you chose to keep me, you knew this is what I'm like! His voice sounds raw, almost desperate. You know I hate taking that stupid medication. You fucking knew!

The anger comes back tenfold.

I'm not the one who picks up and disappears every time he can't deal with reality! You scream back. I'm here, I always have been. If that isn't enough of an indication of just how devoted I am to you, I don't know what else it is! Finally, you feel the anger start seeping out, only to be replaced by painful insecurity. Is that it? I'm not enough? Your heart aches painfully when he doesn't answer. I'm tired, you admit, I am so fucking tired it's a damn miracle I haven't offed myself already.

He looks about to protest, but you don't let him. You collapse, sitting on the bed.

If you don't want this, just end it. Put it to rest so I can move on, you nearly plead. I'll move somewhere else, start fresh. And you'll finally be rid of me.

Silence falls around you. Jaejoong just stays there, kneeling on the floor, the bag open next to him. He's just parting his lips to say something, but you don't stay to find out what. Needing some time, some space, you grab your car keys and your jacket, and leave the apartment, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. You don't want distractions, you don't want anything that will make you change your mind.

Once in your car, you drive, far, far away from home.

tbc...


<<Part 24 | Oneshot: Slipping Away>>

Comments

[gunduzdusu.livejournal.com]

oh god... i feel like crying. i thought you gave up this fic which is one of my favourite stories and here i see you have finally updated it. you cannot even imagine how thankful i am because you updated. i really love this fic. i love how desperate yoochun to have jaejoong by his side despite the pain, i love how jaejoong manages to stay with yoochun despite himself. and it amazes me how their relationship's proven to be strong so many times yet it is still so fragile.

i cannot wait for the next part. please please try to update even if it takes years. i can wait because this story is worth of waiting.

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Ack, please do not cry! I already feel guilty enough that some people have actually been waiting for this thing.

Thank you for loving this fic, from the bottom of my heart <3

I hope I will post a lot sooner than later. 27 might be long in coming, but not 26, I promise.

[killboredom.livejournal.com]

I have so many feelings right now! I also think it's bad for me to read this before going to work because now I won't be able to concentrate on work- I'll think of this too much.

You made my heart hurt not because of how Yoochun acted but because I'm more of Jaejoong than anything. It's selfish of me to want Yoochun to still be there because I just want to know that somehow someone won't give up and still love.


God, I want to know how you came up with all this~ I really want to know.

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Hope it wasn't too distracting XD

I'll admit this to you: I love SWG Jaejoong to pieces, so desperately I wish he could always be happy, like he is during his trips to lalaland. He's the one I identify with the most. It scares me to think, what if I didn't have the anchor to reality that Yoochun is for him?

So, no, I don't think you're selfish for thinking such a thing, not the way I see it.

[killboredom.livejournal.com]

Funny what helped me through work was listening to Garbage's Why do you love me?, I think I'm paranoid and Push it. For me all those songs fit the fic haha. I'll be waiting like a madwoman for the next updates!

The fatality in what Jae has is that at times the highs he has doesn't ever prepare him to the dirt low that he's going to have. Ugh. SO MANY FEELS RIGHT NOW.

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

The lyrics to those songs so amazingly appropriate. How did they escape my attention???

The next update should be soon, though my mind is a complete mess, rather appropriate, in my opinion lol

That's the most painful thing for Jae, I think so, too. It's so very painful :(

[emda.livejournal.com]

UNNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This left me teary-eyed... you left me teary-eyed.

GOSH!!! I already told you that it was really good seeing a SWG update on my flist and that it doesnt feel like a lot of time passed.

Ok, lets see how this whole comment business goes because this update ended (at least for me) precisely in the way I sort of wanted/hoped it would explode.
I think since the second time Jaejoong left and came back I always wanted Yoochun to man up and tell Jaejoong that is really hard for him. I get Jaejoong and Im glad that there is still someone caring so much for him but at the same time Im so frustrated with Jaejoong for not really seeing how much he is hurting Yoochun.
I think that if Jaejoong saw a glimpse of how Yoochun is when he is not around he would think twice before leaving.

My sadistic side just want Jaejoong to go and Yoochun to kill himself (very very bad). This is really complicated and there is so much past between them and around them that I sometimes dont think nor hope that their gonna end okay and together.

I wish Yoochun would have told Jaejoong just that sooner because some of the things Jaejoong does hurt Yoochun but he doesnt know and Yoochun cant expect Jaejoong to know it. Their biggest problem is communication, a huge gap of communication.

Im extremely looking forward to the next chapter and as you I dont want this to end. I will be up for this to be forever (or as long as you can write about this). Thou I too would love some kind of closer. This is a huge rollercoster. Im such a complication... want this forever but I want some closer at the same time hahahahahahahahaha.

Anyways! Awesome job!!! worth the wait in my eyes!!!

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

*POUNCES ON* Gah, I hate to say it, but tears means it turned out like I hoped. But I hate making you cry, nonetheless.

That you were happy about see this on your f-list seriously made my day, you have no idea <3 Still, it baffles me that you feel not much time has passed. 1 year, 7 months since chapter 24. Man, that is embarrassing.

In a way, I'm happy that you liked how this chapter ended. I, too, have been needing for Yoochun to finally explode, it's been tearing me apart that he feels so damn helpless when he's really not. At the same time:

I think that if Jaejoong saw a glimpse of how Yoochun is when he is not around he would think twice before leaving.

You forget that he has a mental illness. His mind works differently. More on this next chapter (and probably another from JJ's point of view, hehe).

I don't want Yoochun to die ;____; I mean, I want to think that he's strong enough to look this situation in the eye and find a solution, even if it's one he won't be happy with.

I wish Yoochun would have told Jaejoong just that sooner

Just remember this line later on.

want this forever but I want some closer at the same time

I know. Gah, I've cried a few times already. I don't want to let go :(

worth the wait

*GLOMPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS*

Always my fiercest critic and someone whose words I treasure immensely. Thank you for sticking with me on this. And for being my friend through all this. Love you very much <3

[lemonademelon.livejournal.com]

Ohmygod an update ;___; thankyou so, so much for not giving this fic up!

I can't find the right words just to describe how much I love this fic, and how perfect this chapter is. My heart races and aches every freaking time they got into a fight and one of them leeaving. I simply love the fact they always come back anyway. Like boomerang :)

Thankyou. Just, thankyou so much. I'll be patiently waiting for your next update :) good luck with real life!

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

I've always said that I would finish SWG and I don't intend to go back on my word. You can't begin to imagine just how often I've thought about this fic and told myself "You need to finish it, dammit!"

I'm really happy you think so much of this fic, and I am truly sorry that you had to wait so long for an update :(

Thank you! I certainly need all the luck I can get lol

<3

[lamerk.livejournal.com]

this story is so very much worth waiting for *~*
thank you for my emotions. again and again ♥

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! I'm happy you liked it :)

[thedarksideme.livejournal.com]

the most painful of pain is one that doesn't bleed, doesn't induce tears, but is felt deep within the heart and mind. how you perfected that technique of torturing people with every single chapter of this fic is beyond me.

has it been that long, really?? i understand perfectly about that reluctance to end this, and i'll definitely be one of the people who weep for its ending. but i have to admit that the small glimmer of hope of possibly getting to know what would become of this dysfunctional, hurt, hurt couple is one of the elusive yet fundamental beauty of this fic.

my heart, and the others, are with you until the end.

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

I seriously don't know how to reply to your comment. "Torturing people." Does that make me a sadist????

It has been that long, as unbelievable as it may seem. Man, I really hope I don't disappoint lol I've changed things over and over, the ending has changed throughout these 4 years. It's a bit exhausting. But I am happy to know people are enjoying this, and very grateful, too <3

Thank you, always <3

[thedarksideme.livejournal.com]

And I kept on coming back here, would that make me a masochist...??? o_o

I came back on a whim and couldn't help but re-reading the last part again, and it made me want to say something again. That raw emotion that you managed to capture so vividly is so....addicting, I mean captivating. And, no, you haven't disappointed anyone, least of all me!

And, thank YOU for writing!! *_* ♥

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

I guess that would make me a bit of a masochist, too, since I keep writing it >_>

you haven't disappointed anyone

Thank you so much!!!! <3<3<3

[k-inthetrunk.livejournal.com]

ok. just saving my spot for now cuz my heart skipped a beat when I saw this on @jaechun-ywh o-o

i... I ... I really need to sleep cuz I have work tomorrow. but I want to read this sooooo bad, but I think I need to read at least the last few chapters i_i so I can set my mind on track i_i

i__i what to do? what to do? i_i

Anyway >_< I will come back for a proper comment sooner or later (and by later I mean ASAP cuz i'm craving for this already *____*

Thank you so very much for continuing and updating this history! It's one of my favorites off all times.

[k-inthetrunk.livejournal.com]

omg i____i I.... I...

To tell you the truth I was expecting this, but I wasn't. I mean... I thought jaejoong would leave again, but not.... never thought of Yoochun actually "getting off" >_< I know he didn't left for life, bit... the things he said and he did leave the house.... I just fell kinda selfish and ignorant to him. >_<

there are so many reasons why I love this fic so much and I had felt it all in one chapter. Te biggest one that encircle it all is that I actually can Feel all of this with this history.

I'm not really being coherent now and I know it. But i'm still in shock, sort off... I think.

Just wanted to thank you again for updating. Thank you!

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

You feel that it was selfish of Yoochun to leave? Even he had to explode at one time or another, right?

Thank you for going on reading despite my horribly lack of updates. I'm very happy people even remember this fic. Thank you <3

[k-inthetrunk.livejournal.com]

No no no. >_< actually I was trying to say that I was the one being selfish, cuz even knowing all the hell Yoochun went thought and all the shit Jaejoong did to him, I still wanted him to stay, while I thought that Jaejoong would be the one to leave... =/ I was being the selfish one, the ignorant one. =/

You right it in Yoochun POV, but it's like I can fell and even understand Jaejoong sometimes. That is one of the reasons I like this history so much. I've never forget it. Thank you for keep going. <3

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Ah, I don't think you're selfish for feeling that way. In other circumstances, he probably would have stayed, but, a person can only take so much :(

Thank you so much for reading and commenting and leaving lovely feedback <3

[shinchul303.livejournal.com]

An update. AN UPDATE!!! It has been SO long I'd given up...thank you thank you thank you! Off to read.

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Hey!!!!! It has been forever since my last update, hasn't it?

Omg, no, thank you! You've always commented on the chapters, and you don't know how much that has meant to me.

Hope you like it <3

[roughmetal2.livejournal.com]

i missed this fic so much and though reading it always painful, i'm simply hooked. i pity yoochun so much for having to keep up with an emotionally unstable jaejoong but at the same time, i can't blame jae for the mess in their relationship coz i know he didn't want that illness to befall him. fortunately, they have really good, supporting friends who are always there to lend a hand, or an ear.

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Their friends are definitely one of the reasons they can keep going :)

Sorry about the long wait ^^ and thank you so much for reading.

[tarwen-xoxo.livejournal.com]

Please don't break up JaeChun! I know how hard it is to love Jae but I believe that how matter what happens-everything that has, they will ALWAYS BE TOGETHER!!
It hurts me to see that Yoochun is suffering--even though he kinda let it happen by not talking with Jae--and got so angry. I hope he will turn back and come back to Jae. they love each other too much to separate.
It seems like Jae depends on Yoochun and Yoochun needs Jae in his life too. I don't think they can survive without the other!

Thanks for updating after all this time. I'll wait for this fic no matter how long! X))
(I'm kinda a new but old reader;I discovered this almost 2 years ago but a few months after you had posted ch 24)

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Lack of communication, yes, definitely a factor. And they do need and depend on each other. We can only hope for the best, right?

Thanks for reading and supporting this fic for so long! :)

[onewaytrackk.livejournal.com]

I saw this fic on hug yesterday, and I couldn't stop reading. Well well, I love every bit of it!! Thank you so much for continuing it and thus letting me find this masterpiece :D

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

lol It's rather interesting to get a new reader so far into the game, but very welcome, of course :)

Thanks very much for reading :D

[poppy-sky.livejournal.com]

I missed this story so much!! I'm glad you didn't avandon it :)

I love how Yoochun was the one to walk out this time. Sometimes people get tired of acting the 'adult' and need some time to themselves, to be dramatic and irrational.

Can't wait for the next chapter, although I'm sad this story will be over soon....

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

I promised I would finish it, even if it took me forever :D

I hope to have the next chapter out, though it has been difficult. And, well, at least there will be closure? I will miss it very much when it's all over with :(

Thanks very much for your support and for reading <3

WARNING: NOVEL-LENGTH COMMENT :DD

[blocassimere.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I cannot find the right words to tell you how much I love this story. I've waited, months to years, for SWG's update. That right now, I'm overwhelmed with emotions that I found myself crying while typing this comment.

I love how dark, how twisted, how angsty and heartbreaking this story. This is perfection, at least for me. I cannot begin to imagine the time (4 years!), the effort and every stubborn inch of emotions, you pour into this. I salute you and SWG's awesomeness.

But with SWG's impending retirement in Jaechun's fandom, I cannot help but feel sad at the same time, which I believe other readers feel the same way too. I would love you to continue this story, go on and on and on about this dysfunctional couple but I know that at some point, we, you need to let them go and deserve their own closure. It's. . .bittersweet moment for us readers to say goodbye to SWG, it grew on us, and had been our companion in this fandom. I will miss this story very much.

Well anyway, on to the update. . .

This story had been breaking my heart for years, you'd been torturing us in every updates that I already expecting to have this kind of immunity with pain and just feel numb while reading it. But no, it just broke my heart once again :'((

I love how you show Yoochun's desperation to make their relationship work out, that he kept on trying to work what is still there for them. He is exhausted, physically and mentally exhausted but keeps on waiting and hoping that one day, everything will be alright. Or at least, a life with Jaejoong that is less painful. Yoochun already knows that he won't get the happy ending he wants with Jaejoong, and that he knows what’s in store for him the moment he accepted someone as broken as Jaejoong, but still he pursue the journey anyway. Because for him, having Jae in his side makes life worth living, that he is willing to risk everything, his feelings be damned as long as Jae stays with him. He does that, simply because he loves Jae, simply because Jaejoong is worth the pain, the suffering. *sobs*

On the other hand, I think understand Jaejoong's feelings. And I won't get mad at him for being selfish, for being himself again. I sympathize with him to be honest. For him, running away is the only way he could think of, his own 'temporary' solution.

I think what I love the most in this update is probably when Yoochun exploded. And I found myself saying, "Finally! It's about time you tell Jae your damn feelings! Tell him, show him how it hurts everytime he leaves!"

And ending with this makes my masochistic heart swells with joy, "If you don't want this, just end it. Put it to rest so I can move on, you nearly plead. I'll move somewhere else, start fresh. And you'll finally be rid of me." Just perfect. God. Hopefully, it will knock some sense into Jae's head. I wanted him to see, realize and feel how much Yoochun is willing to risk everything just to make him happy. But I don’t know, with his illness. . . /sigh

lol didn't plan to make this long, so I'll end it here now.

Thank you, for letting us see, and experience the bittersweet lovestory of these dysfunctional couple. This is worth reading <333

+1

[thedarksideme.livejournal.com]

I shall be a little bit rude and interrupt because I feel the urge to echo you on this:
"I know that at some point, we, you need to let them go and deserve their own closure. It's. . .bittersweet moment for us readers to say goodbye to SWG, it grew on us, and had been our companion in this fandom. I will miss this story very much."

One part of me wants to say, "Every story needs an ending, it's only right."
Another part of me wants to say, " NoooooooooooDON'TGOOOOOOOOOOOO"

*coughs* I sincerely apologise for the interruption >"< but I'll miss this story very, very much TT___TT

Re: +1

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Trust me: I don't want it to end, either :(

<3

Re: WARNING: NOVEL-LENGTH COMMENT :DD

[milena-1980.livejournal.com]

Sorry to have taken so long to reply. Health issues ^^;

I was surprised by the length of your comment! lol I had no idea how to reply, but I'll try.

Thank you for loving this fic <3 It has been so long since I started it, it's like my baby, you know? And, even though I started it for myself, to have people like it and wait for it . . . I felt really badly that I couldn't write more, like I was letting everyone down, which is why I am so happy and relieved to have been able to write this chapter.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions that I found myself crying while typing this comment

This comment made me a bit teary ;_;

with SWG's impending retirement in Jaechun's fandom, I cannot help but feel sad at the same time, which I believe other readers feel the same way too

That makes me feel just a bit guilty lol And very, very surprised. God, just, all the support and love I've received from everyone, I was really overwhelmed when I first posted the chapter days ago. I wondered if anyone would even remember it. I'm very, very grateful.

He is exhausted, physically and mentally exhausted but keeps on waiting and hoping that one day, everything will be alright

Writing from his point of view if horrible sometimes. Why would anyone do to himself what he is?

I think understand Jaejoong's feelings. And I won't get mad at him for being selfish, for being himself again. I sympathize with him to be honest

A lot of people seem to feel this way, which makes me unbearably happy. It's not Jaejoong's fault, not entirely. He has made some terrible decisions, but, at the same time, he's trying so hard. I seriously love him.

I love the most in this update is probably when Yoochun exploded

He finally did! I wondered and wondered, when will it happen, how will he react? He has acted so pathetically in the past. But he did, and it felt good (a least for me).

Again, thank you so much for your support. I hope to update soon, partially because I don't want another year to go by. I don't want to let go of this story, but, time to do that.

<3<3<3<3

[sam44444.livejournal.com]

I can't find the right words to describe my feelings! This is the most beautifully written story I've ever read. My favourite story EVER. Please update soon.

Any chance for a happy ending?

[shahera5.livejournal.com]

I am a brand new reader, having just found this fic today and read it all.

I have cried so many tears over these characters. I don't know if having real images of them in my head makes reading more intense, or whether it is your fabulous writing. I think reading it all at once certainly intensified the emotional wallop.

Is there some way a different medication regime would be possible for Jaejoong? One that wouldn't shut him down totally, just lower the highs a bit and keep him from sinking into depression? I don't know anything about bi-polar disorder, but if the only option is walking around half-dead then I can totally understand why Jaejoong would prefer the roller coaster, particularly if he's mostly in the manic phase.

It's after midnight and I need to work in the morning. Is there a way to get a notification when you update SWG again?