milena_1980: (jaejoong)
[personal profile] milena_1980
Title: Sleeping With Ghosts: Volatile
Author: Milena Pandora/[livejournal.com profile] milena_1980
Rating: R
Pairing: Jaejoong/?
Genre: AU
Warning: n/a
Summary: They would hate you, probably.
A/N: This is a oneshot told from Jaejoong's point of view. It takes place around Chapter 12.
A/N: I know I've been absolutely terrible at replying to comments, especially in the other oneshot. Sorry about that :( Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them <3



The music is loud, loud enough that the bass vibrates inside your head, your chest, your entire body. It should be bothersome, but you don't mind it—this is what you need right now: a dark nightclub, drinking and dancing with friends. Away, away from those assholes, you think, closing your eyes and smiling as your dance partner slides his arm around your waist.

They are far away now. Not one of them knows where you are, what you are doing, who you are with. Not that it's any of their business. You're a free man, lacking official ties to anyone—family, friends, lovers—they are, for all intents and purposes, dead to you. (Well, except for one of them, but, no matter how much you want to get him out of your system, he's always there, embedded in your mind, your body, your heart. Oh, how you wish you could rip his memory—the sound of his voice, the feel of his skin against yours, the taste of his lips, the way his eyes shine when they gaze at you—off you. However, it has been impossible so far (you wonder if you could do it now)).

But, whatever, no thinking about that, you remind yourself, closing your eyes, feeling the music, each note dancing into your ear and staying inside your head; you visualize them as colorful written notes (red, green, purple, blue . . .), jumping up and down between your ears, or floating in the limited and dark space you imagine the inside of your head to be—the thought makes you giggle; does that mean you don't have a brain? (Do you?)—each bright color lighting it up, until it looks like a mini version of the club you have been dancing at for hours. You sing along with the songs you know (nearly all of them, except for Techno and other mostly instrumental tunes, though you still hum along).

"Hey, don't ignore me," your partner whispers in your ear. You don't remember his name, but you find him terribly attractive: dark skin, hair dyed red, slim body, but lean muscles that feel so good beneath your hands (no dark hair, or nearly black eyes; no pale skin, no deep voice making your shiver). Automatically, you smirk flirtatiously. He is, after all, your chosen partner for the night, one of several men who followed you throughout the night, until they got tired of your endless energy, dancing and dancing, your skin covered in perspiration, your head a mindless mess invaded by the melodies and beats (you can see them, smoky lines and waves of blue, purple, red, green, surrounding you, dancing around the room much like the wavy colors from the visualization setting of the computer's music player), further clouded by the ridiculous amount of alcohol you have imbibed in the course of a few hours. Cute Redhead—as you've decided to call him—was the only one willing to stick by you. He's hopelessly attracted to you, the poor guy; you can see the desire in his eyes clearly.

"Then, keep me entertained," you whisper back. He smiles and takes your hand, gently tugging at it, wordlessly asking you to follow; you do, fighting the throng of sweaty, horny men who frequent the few gay clubs in the city. You expect him to take you into the bathroom (by midnight, it's already a disgusting mess, but it's the only place that offers privacy in the building); however, soon you find yourself standing in front of a door—green? Blue? You can't tell under the dim and colored lights—his hand still holding yours, while the other knocks on hard wood.

"Hey, you mind?" Cute Redhead asks when the door opens a sliver. A second later, he's leading you past the door and inside a corridor. You don't even think about questioning him—you honestly don't care; you're attracted to him and sexual desire has begun to take over until you can't think about anything else.

The bedsprings creak when he pushes you to sit down; next thing you know, he's leaning down to kiss you, pushing you down until you're on your back. There's some gentleness in his touch, but that is not what you want—you take control of the kiss, lightly biting on his lower lip; you shift until you can reverse your positions, straddling his hips, pulling off his shirt, undoing his belt buckle, and more, more, until you feel like you have become one with him, your mind utterly abandoned to pleasure and nothing else. When he enters you, you give himself to the feeling, closing your eyes and savoring every thrust, every touch of his surprisingly soft hands. Life is good, you think, perfect, wonderful. You had forgotten what this feels like, acting freely, fucking without a worry in the world.

"I've been going out with Changmin for a few months."

You close your eyes, trying to push away the memory. The man you thought loved you now loves someone else, you could tell right away. At that moment, you hated Changmin, the stupid, needy jerk who stole Yoochun from you. Now he had to steal Yunho, too?

"Oh. I've been sleeping with Yoochun for months, too," you replied, anxiety creeping in, yet making you act like you were having a casual conversation about the weather. Before you even realized what you were doing, you grabbed the hardcover book on top of the coffee table and threw it at him. After that, you honestly don't remember what happened. You don't remember whether you yelled, if you fought, if you hit him. Your mind is trying to protect you, you think; that voice inside your head that tells you what to do, what to say, what to feel, it's blocking out anything that could cause you pain.

You push it away, all of it, and focus on your partner once more. He's passionate, he knows where to touch, where to kiss. Maybe, you think, Cute Redhead should stick around for a few more days.

When you both finish, he's exhausted. You rode him hard, you're absolutely aware of that and greatly enjoying yourself. You could go on and on, though, your lust controlling your body, your mind. You need it so badly, your body is on fire; you need more.

"Give me a moment," Cute Redhead says, chuckling when you kiss him again. "Let me recover." He lowers his voice, making you shiver. "I promise I won't disappoint."

You decide that you want to find out.



How long has it been since you locked yourself in a room with Cute Redhead? Minutes? Hours? Your mind is cloudy, hazy, but you're not tired. When you leave the room and go back into the club, you see people dancing, and all you want to do is join them. Oh, how wonderful, to be free, to feel good, throwing all worries away. You can sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want.

Briefly, you think about the men you've left behind. Would they be disappointed if they saw you now, dancing almost obscenely with a man you've just met, wishing you were still in the bedroom, fucking like your life depends on it? They would hate you, probably.

Regardless, you don't feel guilty. On the contrary, both of your former lovers (former?) kept holding you back, forcing you to become the person they wanted, someone you could never be. This is you: wild, crazy, sensual and sexual; carefree and happy. Tying you down until your entire being feels suffocated by the weight of expectation, being a useless zombie thanks to that ridiculous medication, trying to be like the boy he loved once upon a time, no, you can't be any of that. That is not you, never, ever.

Cute Redhead leaves you to buy more drinks. Happily, you follow. You need to have fun. The world is so pretty! The colors are so bright, surrounding you, loving you like you love them. Dance, dance, and dance some more, until the world becomes yours.

<<Part 26 | Oneshot: Slowed Down>>

Date: 2014-11-09 11:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shinchul303.livejournal.com
Ah, and now it is sleeping with ghosts...

Jae is certainly manic here. Talk about burning bright at both ends!

Date: 2014-11-10 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Manic, no question about it, but still escalating as he falls deeper and deeper into the world that exists only in his head. It's scary to think about :/

Date: 2014-11-10 04:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emda.livejournal.com
Oh God.
That's the only think that comes to my mind.

Date: 2014-11-10 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
A good Oh God? Or is it bad? Shocked? This oneshot is less crazy than I intended it to be. I'm so glad to have your feedback! You know how much I appreciate it, and how much your words always mean to me ;__; <3<3<3

Date: 2014-11-10 05:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lamerk.livejournal.com
this world has always been yours, jaejoong >.

Date: 2014-11-10 05:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Too bad that he can't appreciate that when in this state of mind :(

Date: 2014-11-10 03:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roughmetal2.livejournal.com
Nice to know jae POV and somehow i feel bad for chun knowing that the guy he loves most will never be truly his.

Date: 2014-11-10 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
I've always wanted to explore Jaejoong's thought processes. We see so little of him, always through Yoochun's biased eyes.

i feel bad for chun knowing that the guy he loves most will never be truly his

I think Jae feels the exact same way.

Date: 2014-11-13 08:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blocassimere.livejournal.com
I'm glad you're doing Jae's POV, letting us see that part of him, understanding him. I know there'd be another oneshot coming, I can't wait to read that now :)

Date: 2014-12-07 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n3uromanc3r.livejournal.com
I've just read this story in the last few days and it was really amazing!

I really like the characterization and how those flashbacks come back over and over again to remind Yoochun of the past with Jae - a different and mysterious Jae... Strange but until Yoochun pointed to the fact I haven't noticed but really, he somehow blocked most of the unpleasant memories, so those flashbacks mostly contained their happiness...

It's so amazing how both Junsu both Changmin supports Yoochun, accepting Jaejoong's presence in his life. Also, I admire Yunho so much for loving Jae and tolerating his impossible rebel attitude despite Jae probably never made him forget that for him Yoochun is the one and only.
I don't know why but for me Yunho seemed always more capable to take care of Jae than Yoochun. I don't think the reason is that he was less emotionally involved than Yoochun, probably just because Jae never hid his condition like he did it with Yoochun. But I felt it so unfair how Yoochun treated Yunho - even avoided to ask for his help when he knew Yunho is experienced at handing the Jae-issue...

I don't know how much I can blame on Jae's condition or how much on his personality but for me he seems quite selfish... Everybody works so hard to help him and he just gives up after a while, no matter he's with Yunho or with Yoochun he's just stops caring and starts lying again...

I'm really curious how Yoochun's disappearance will affect Jaejoong's condition, last time Yoochun tried to cut him out of his life he just couldn't accept the other's decision. Maybe experiencing how people around him feel when he disappears without a word will make him grow up a little and tries to appreciate his loved ones' efforts...

It was so interesting so see how Jae looks at things, he's the one who feels wronged most of the time despite being responsible for all those fights...

I can't wait to know if there's hope for them and I'm so curious if Changmin (and Junsu too) will be able to get over Yoochun ever I really want him to be happy with Yunho.

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