milena_1980: (jaejoong)
[personal profile] milena_1980
Title: Sleeping With Ghosts 23/27
Author: Milena/[livejournal.com profile] milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Underage sex (17, but, just to be safe); suicidal feelings; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Summary: Soul mates never die
A/N: A series of connected drabbles/ficlets. Not always in chronological order! Title and lyrics from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo
A/N2: This chapter may be revised later on. Posted it despite not being too happy with it, otherwise I never would lol Anyone still reading, sorry for taking so long to update.

A/N3: I'm sharing a compilation of songs I've listened to while writing this fic: SWG Playlist 1




Title: Burden

It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?

Saemi looks beautiful in her white Western-style wedding gown, happy, radiant. Next to her, Yoohwan can barely suppress his own happiness and excitement. They look happy as they stand at the altar—they're getting married in the same church they met—hands joined as they vow to love and cherish one another for the rest of their lives. It should make you happy, as well, to see your beloved brother's life falling into place. However, as you look on from the sidelines, you can't push down nearly unbearable bitterness as you watch the day's events unfold.

Yoochun! Your mother calls out after the ceremony is over with, reaching out toward you. You're outside the church, having a cigarette, when she comes looking for you. A smile brightens her face as soon as she finds you. Come, we're taking a family picture.

Great
, you think sarcastically, even as you take her hand and follow her over to where the newly married couple and your father stand waiting.

Your foul mood lessens considerably, though, when Yoohwan smiles at you, reaching out to hold your hand, squeezing softly. Thanksthank you for being here on the happiest day of my life. His action makes you feel guilty at once. You've been hating him all day, mentally taking out your frustration on him when he has done nothing wrong.

Right then and there, you promise yourself you won't rain on anyone's parade, even if you have to grit your teeth through what promises to be a long night.

Once at the wedding reception, you join your parents (your father doesn't leave your side throughout most of it, except to greet this and that friend or family member), and, later on, you suffer through your mother introducing you to single women, all the while insisting that it's time you get married. You play along until you can't stand it anymore.

I'll marry when I find someone I love, you insist after she chides you for ignoring her chosen candidates. To your surprise, your father comes out in your defense.

Leave him be, he tells your mother. I think he's old enough to make his own decisions, don't you?

Neither you nor your mother expect his response. She huffs impatiently, but leaves, allowing you to breathe, finally. You're about to thank your father, when he pats your arm and gestures to the door.

He lights up a cigarette almost as soon as you leave the room. You notice the way his shoulders relax with each puff, eyes closing briefly. Could it be that he feels just as stressed and stifled as you do inside that room? He has never been all that expressive, but you thought that he looked genuinely happy throughout the wedding and afterward.

Don't listen to your mother. Once again, his words catch you by surprise. The last time you went back home, you thought there had been an unspoken agreement never to talk about your love life again. In all honesty, you would prefer it stay that way.

I don't, you assure him, somehow trying to convey just how uncomfortable you are with the subject. You want to come up with something else, anything, but you're unable to.

Your father offers you a cigarette—which you accept without hesitation—then leads you further away from the door and away from people. There's a quiet space nearby, and you stand there together, smoking in complete silence. Somehow, you can tell he's restless, at least where his thoughts are concerned. Nevertheless, you choose to wait—he will speak when he does.

It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?

You nod in agreement, choosing to ignore the vibe he's still giving off.

It was, you say. They look really happy.

Your father nods, exhaling more smoke, gray tendrils dancing around him before finally taking flight. The sight takes you to years past, when there was no one more important than the man standing in front of you. He was strong, and cool, and he would sit on the sofa every night and smoke in the near darkness.

Did you ever bring that boy back home with you? he asks, suddenly. You're glad you have just exhaled, else you would have probably choked on cigarette smoke.

I did, you decide to answer honestly. He's living with me now.

He hums softly, bringing the white cylinder to his lips. Of all the things to bring up, why did it have to be this?

And your job? Your mother said you changed jobs some time ago.

Oh, right. You had quit your previous job right before going back to your hometown, but you had never told your father. Calling him regularly stopped being a part of your routine some time ago, there are so many important things to do or worry about. His questions makes you feel just a tad guilty, though.

Yeah, you reply. I moved to a better company. Better pay and working conditions.

That's good
, he says, glancing at you. I'm glad. You look better than the last time I saw you.

You're unable to suppress a smile at that. The last time you had seen each other, you had looked like hell. Not only had your job been sucking you dry, Jaejoong's suicide attempt and subsequent events had drained you emotionally. It was a wonder you hadn't collapsed (desperate concern over your lover's welfare had probably prevented it).

How about you? you ask, feeling . . . well, obligated. You look well.

A smile graced his father's lips briefly.

As well as always. His usual answer. What else did you expect?

He offers you another cigarette. You take it, acknowledging his silent request to stay out there together.


Title: Wired

He said we can move in as soon as we want, he says, his voice a strange mixture of exhilaration and desperation. His dark gaze is filled with confusion and even sorrow these days, but you think nothing of it, why should you? Jaejoong is usually such a mess of emotions, it's really nothing new.

Tonight is the first time you've seen him all week. He was gone three whole days, a frequent occurrence, lately (last time it was four days; you worried endlessly, but then he came back, acting as if no time had gone by). When he came over only minutes after midnight, you received him like you always do, your heart beating painfully at his sight (while you thanked God that he was all right). You weren't surprised by his request to go somewhere—anywhere—and hopped into his car, already predicting where you would end up.

The beach was as dark and beautiful as ever, and so was he, you noted, as he pulled you into the backseat and took what he wanted (while giving you what you needed). You'll never get tired of his kisses, nor the feel of his skin, nor the sounds he makes when you're together. Three days seemed like forever, you deserved everything he was giving you now. You didn't let go, not until he did.

Not a minute had gone by when he started on his favorite subject: planning your future life together. He already has everything figured out, from the apartment a friend (some guy you don't know) has promised to rent them, to the store where he'll get a decent, if low paying, job. It's all he talks about lately, all he cares about, never mind you still have months to go before you can even hope to leave home, not if you want to take advantage of the college education your parents have promised you. After all, one of you should have a proper job, how else will you survive in a big city like Seoul?

He knows your parents have secured an apartment for you near your preferred university. However, he chooses to ignore it.

Then they will come over whenever they please! he reasoned, sounding incredulous at your suggestion that you take advantage of that. Besides, your father hates my guts. There was nothing you could say to counter that. It's easier to give in to him, anyway. Who knows, maybe you'll convince him to move into your relative's apartment later on.

Truth be told, you wish you could grab your belongings and run away with him right now. It's terribly tempting, and it makes more sense the more often he disappears for days at a time. You're sick of being worried out of your mind over him; you're sick of his stubborn refusal to tell you where he goes. He gets so angry, you've stopped asking. If anything, he always comes back to you, and he reminds you that you're the only thing that matters to him. That reassurance works like magic—it ends (if briefly) what seems like a lifetime of insecurity.

Right now, he's looking straight into your eyes, and you feel as though he's trying to send you a message, or just make you understand something. But, what? You want to ask, you nearly do, except it'll probably be something stupid, as per usual (Liar, you tell yourself; you're just afraid, you always are).

There's still months to go until then, though, you say. The apartment can't be empty, right?

But that's what's so perfect!
he says, perking up. The contract for the current tenants ends just weeks before we'll get there. Isn't it perfect?

No, it isn't. At least, you don't think so. You refuse to shatter his fantasy, however. Let him be happy, let him dream. There will be a time for rational thinking and real decision making. For now, you try not to think of the difficulties that will doubtlessly arise. Living with someone as loopy and irresponsible as Jaejoong won't be easy, and, yet . . . the mere thought should terrify you, but it doesn't; it worries you, but that's it.

I must be crazy to even consider this, you think to yourself. Ah, what the hell. You are crazy. The boy currently lying in your arms dreaming of your future together is proof enough.


Title: Trivial

He refused to eat today, she says in a whisper, dark eyes filled with concern.

It occupied your thoughts all day, the image of Jaejoong lying in bed sleeping. He seems so weak, getting up only to go to the bathroom, maybe watch TV if he's in the mood. Otherwise, he just lies there, oblivious to the word (or trying to be?).

When you get home after a difficult day at work (you couldn't focus on anything at all), Heeyoung rushes to keep you near the front door. She's worried, she says, Jaejoong seems to be wasting away. Except, it makes no sense.

I thought his medication was supposed to deal with that. It happens again and again, but, why? You can't bring yourself to accept Yunho's logic.

She shrugs, shaking her head.

He has been getting better, she replies. And then he has these periods. But he needs to eat. She turns pleading eyes on you. Please, try and make him. A snack, at the very least.

She goes home only minutes later, and you're left there, wondering what to do. Her observation is old news to you. How long has he been like this? How many days? You haven't kept count—you don't intend to start now—waiting, just waiting.

I haven't heard from him in a while, Junsu told you only a couple of days ago. Yunho had recently remarked on how Jaejoong refuses to speak on the phone, always busy or tired. Your lover never ever ignores Yunho, not if he can help it. So, what's going on? And, what can you do about it?

You sigh, walking deeper inside the apartment. A shower is in order, as is dinner, and maybe some TV afterward. Yeah, just . . . do what you need to do; you can worry about anything else once you've finished.

He seems to be asleep when you go into the bedroom. You choose to leave him alone, heading to the bathroom and taking a quick shower—you're sure you'll fall asleep if you take a bath, what if you drown? (An attractive idea . . . No, kill that train of thought. You didn't do it before, and you will not do it now.) Instant ramyun becomes dinner. Once you're done, you stand right outside your bedroom and wonder what the heck you're supposed to do. With a sigh, you step inside the dark room.

Hey, hyung, want to eat? A look at him and you can tell he is awake. I'll make you anything you want. No answer, no freaking answer. It's exhausting, this horrible cycle.

You lie next to him, disappointed.

. . . Anything? he asks, after what seems like forever. You sigh in relief, lips widening in a smile.

Anything.


Title: Bones

No, no, no. Like this. He plays the piano slowly, enough so that you can clearly see what he is doing. You watch his small hands as they move over the keys, fluidly, gracefully. Once he's done, he looks at you expectantly. Do it again. A resigned sigh later, you comply.

You didn't think he was serious when he offered to teach you to play the piano. Days after your short conversation, he appeared at your apartment, and demanded, in no uncertain terms, that you come up to his apartment to begin your lessons.

No excuses, he said just as you were opening your mouth to protest. Damn it, why did he have to know you so well?

He loved you, you remind yourself (loved? Loves?). A year and two months, maybe more, maybe less, you loved him, as well. Junsu might have thought otherwise, probably still did, especially after he came back into your life and reopened still healing wounds. Nevertheless, your feelings for the man you now call your best friend were real, up until the night he declared he wanted to end your relationship—no, you loved him far longer than that.

I want to break up, you can still hear the words as if he had uttered them right now. He had felt so warm next to you, so perfect and safe, and then, those words. Yes, you had expected it, ever since Jaejoong had disappeared. It had still caught you off guard.

Oh, my god, Yoochun! he cries in dismay when you fuck up on the piano once again. He's not as frustrated as he sounds—it's easy to tell after so many years—though it has to grate on his nerves that, while he can make any child play within days, it's taking forever to teach you. Again!

What would life be like now if your first love had never come back? You have wondered so many times along the years. What crappy timing, you think sometimes. Life hadn't been perfect, but you had been happy, happier than you had been since he had abandoned you. Okay, you know the reasons now, but, despite all your efforts, sometimes you think you will never be able to forgive him.

Sometimes you almost ask Junsu for his opinion. Thankfully, you stop yourself before you can go and be an even bigger jerk than you already are. He may be your friend, you may be close, but . . . well, you haven't really liked it the few times he has brought it up, have you?

Jaejoong was up and about when you woke up in the morning. It caused you no small amount of joy to see him out of bed, fresh from the shower, looking tired, still, but awake, damn it! This freaking roller coaster that is Kim Jaejoong will end up killing you, you're almost sure.

If I don't kill myself first, you think bitterly.

Ah, much better, Junsu says, smiling at you. You smile back, watching as he goes back to the piano and to trying to teach you. He's so patient, so special. That horrible, selfish part of you wishes things had turned out differently, sometimes. Guilt washes over you almost immediately, and you kick yourself for it. Yet, you think about it again, next time your lover has one of those quiet episodes. Like now . . .

Ugh, what the hell are you doing? You love Jaejoong, you have made countless sacrifices for him. How can you even think about throwing it all away? Be happy with what you have, damn it! You need to repeat this to yourself over and over, until it finally sinks in, and remind yourself of all those other times he talks to you, like this morning.

Hey, are you two done? Speak of the devil. He insisted on coming along with you, thankfully; otherwise, you were dreading having to leave him alone. (Though, thinking on it, maybe that was Junsu's intention all along? To force Jaejoong to leave the apartment?) Hyukjae was watching a movie, so Jaejoong had joined him (all the while watching you from the corner of his eye). Your patient teacher took you away for a good hour of torture.

Junsu smiles at his sight.

Yeah, he answers right away. Oh, thank God! You don't have the patience you used to, nor the desire, really. (Somehow, you suspect Junsu realizes this, but, for some mysterious reason, he refuses to let go.) This guy is so slow, it's almost impossible to teach him.

Hey!
you protest. And I was just about to praise my wonderful teacher.

Junsu rolls his eyes, but laughs. On the other hand, Jaejoong watches you, looking from Junsu to you and back. You want to ask what he's thinking, but now is not the time. No, you know what he will say before he says it.

Can we go home? I'm tired, he says. You nod. He smiles, and leaves the room.

He seems better, Junsu remarks. You can feel his gaze on you, dark eyes filled with questions and maybe even compassion.

Yeah. And it's all you will say about it. For now.


Title: Chase

Your dick will freeze and fall off! He laughs out loud and flips you off, before completely ignoring your warning and diving into the freezing sea. He does that often: going skinny dipping, until he's tired and his teeth are chattering, the cold night wind enveloping his bare body. He keeps trying to get you to join him, but while he never gets sick, you, with your now controlled asthma, can't take the chance of ending up in the hospital (not to mention that while you're a lot of things, a masochist is not one of them).

Instead, you sit somewhat comfortably against the windshield of Jaejoong's old car and watch him. He looks natural in the sea, even as that liquid darkness swallows him whole for seconds at a time. Jaejoong loves it, that volatile and unpredictable body that is so like him. The waves reach the shore, then recede, over and over, the motion repeats itself, and still, there he is, wading through the only place where he seems to find peace. (Sometimes you envy the sea, it's ridiculous, you know, but he gives himself so freely while swimming, becoming a part of it mind and body. Why can't he do that with you?)

He acts less like a lunatic on nights like these. Once he comes out, skin so pale he almost looks like a ghost, it feels as though a load has been taken off his shoulders. Does he feel free? Does it make him happy enough that he's able to forget everything that makes him miserable? Either way, you welcome him back, secure in the knowledge that not even the sea can steal him away.

I guess you would miss it if it did fall off, he teases you maybe an hour later, after you have effectively warmed him up. You roll your eyes; he laughs at your reaction.

Yeah, I would be devastated, you reply sarcastically (while trying to suppress the urge to reply that hell, yeah, you would!). Not that you care.

Oh, I care.
He lowers his voice, embedding it with a sensuality that is inherently his. It makes you shiver—he grins, loving your reaction. Jaejoong leans down and kisses you deeply, taking your breath away. The second round is more intense, more intimate, somehow. Even as you hold on to him, you marvel at how easily you fall into him; you think it must be the same for him, if his complete and utter abandon is any indication.

Soon, he whispers only seconds after you both reach climax. It won't be in this beat up car. And it'll be just you and me, no one else in the way.

He moves away to turn on the radio, and sings along with the ballad playing. He then comes back to you, laughing as you struggle to find a comfortable position without having to let go of each other. Soon enough, you settle down together, the music filling the air. You decide to ignore the words he keeps repeating over and over lately. He's right, and you can't wait for the day when you can have him all for yourself. However, now is now; with him, now is everything.






tbc...


<<Part 22 | Part 24>>


Date: 2011-01-07 03:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] auaulea.livejournal.com
ah you updated~! thank you so much for writing this. I love this fic

Date: 2011-01-07 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
So happy to hear that!!! :D

Thank you for reading!!! :D (even though I haven't updated in forever ^^;;).
(deleted comment)

Date: 2011-01-07 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Hope you like! :D ♥
(deleted comment)

Date: 2011-01-10 06:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Yay! :D ♥
It has to end sometime. Actually, I lengthened the story even more because I was asked to lol But it needs to end. Otherwise, I'll run out of things to write! lol
Four chapters planned ^^ But it's not over, yet, so don't be sad :(

Date: 2011-01-07 04:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quixoticfox.livejournal.com
I didn't realise you've been updating this. Will re-read from the start and then leave a proper comment later (:

Date: 2011-01-07 10:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
I haven't updated in months and months, but I'm determined to finish this ^^

Oh, wow, that's a lot to read. Thanks for (still) reading!! :D

Date: 2011-01-07 04:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jaechun07.livejournal.com
u updatedddddddddddddddddddd :) :) :)

ur writing pulls me in everytime.. :)

Date: 2011-01-07 10:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Thank you!! Enjoy!! :D

Date: 2011-01-07 04:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] killboredom.livejournal.com
I'm so happy you updated!! I can't even express how happy I am.

God, everytime I read snippet I feel like it's a climax that never ends. I get devastated everytime I read some part of their lives. I relate to their story more now cause of things that happened in my life. I can't help but feel scared when this ends, I somehow dread it.

Argh I can't express myself well, I just love this series so much.

Date: 2011-01-07 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Oh, that makes me feel guilty lol It's been so long ^^;;

:( There are only a few chapters left (eliminated ? and replaced it with 27). I do hope it meets everyone's expectations. I really don't want to finish it lol I don't want it to end, but it's time.

Thanks for reading and for your continued support! :D ♥

Date: 2011-01-07 04:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] poppy-sky.livejournal.com
Amazing update as always (I practically squealed when I saw it on Hug ^^)

I worry so much over Jaejoong; reading this fic is like sweet torture. Was he jealous of Junsu? It would be cute if Yoochun invited him to sing while he plays the piano.

I think what I enjoy the most of this story is the bits about their teenage life. Jaejoong seems so passionate, so special, but a the same time a little broken.

Can't wait to know what happens next ♥

Date: 2011-01-07 10:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Thank you!!! Really happy about it. It has been so long since I last updated!

Well, probably. Maybe lol I haven't thought about that, but, who knows? :D I love when RL JaeSuChun sing together.

I'll update soon, this is a promise.

Thanks so much for your continued support!! ♥

Date: 2011-01-07 05:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emda.livejournal.com
Will comment later when I can think better. Don't worry... I just read too many fic through out the day and thats why I can think properly.

Date: 2011-01-07 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emda.livejournal.com
Here I am!!!!!
Hmmmm what can I say??
Well for my part I'm just waiting for everything to come to a conclusion. I kind of stop venturing in the trying to figure Jaejoong out and I think while reading this I just gave up. The boy is way to enigmatic for my little brain LOL. And probably I see both so broken that for them (for me) I wish this torture to be over (but I know I will miss this guilty pleasure). I wonder what was with Yoochun's father... that scene was a bit huh? for me LOL did we manage to see a soft side of Chun's dad?? LOL Don't think so :D
For the most part I enjoy it and for me it kind of help me to start my journey to say goodbye to this awesome story before the ending comes and bite my arse off LOL.
Love you unnie!!! Hope you update soon!!!!!!

Date: 2011-01-07 10:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Yay! *HUGS*
Only a few chapters until this is over with. I cannot believe it has been nearly 3 years since I started this.

I don't know anyone will be able to figure him out. (Planning on writing a one-shot or something from his POV. I so want to explore how his mind works.)

Yoochun's dad, it follows their conversation from when Yoochun went back home (Chapter 17).

I don't know how long I'll take to finish, hopefully not more than a month, but, you know how it is ^^;;

Love you, too!!!!!! ♥♥♥

Date: 2011-01-07 06:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] obviousgirl.livejournal.com
Ah, my favorite before bed time reading.

Date: 2011-01-08 02:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Thank you for reading! :D

Date: 2011-01-09 01:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] obviousgirl.livejournal.com
My pleasure, you're a great writer. I lost interest in slash fiction ages ago. I still don't read slash; but I really love your work and it's always worth reading. ♥

Date: 2011-01-10 06:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! :D Ego getting bigger with this lol kidding. But it does make me really happy ♥

Date: 2011-01-07 07:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] k-inthetrunk.livejournal.com
OMG !!! You uploaded it!!!!!! omg o.o" i think that even if it takes another year i'll still be reading and loving this fic. once again i'm drownzed. really! don't stop writing this T_T i need to know everything about jaejoong, and how yoochun can still - or how will he - deal with it.
thank you for uploading!!! ^_^

Date: 2011-01-07 10:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
omg Hopefully it won't take that long until next update!!
Thank you. Readers are probably the main reason I've continued writing it.

Thank you for reading!!! :D
(deleted comment)

Date: 2011-01-07 10:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
After half a year, yes! lol
Enjoy!! :D

Date: 2011-01-07 08:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lamerk.livejournal.com
i always feel transfixed when you update this story.
thank you ♥

Date: 2011-01-07 10:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Thank you for reading!!! And for commenting and for supporting this story :D

Date: 2011-01-07 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Hi :) Ok so basically this fic is like my life, I can't remember.. I might have commented before.. but yea, I check every day, so I nearly had a heart attack just now when I saw it's updated. So firstly, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! -bounces- However... I have exams... for two weeks... and I promised myself I wouldn't read any fanfic until they're over.. and admittedly I'll probably make an exception because it's freaking SWG!! But if I can maintain my resolve, I won't be able to read it for a couple of weeks, although you know, I've waited half a year I can wait another 2 weeks xP But yea, first thing i'll do, is read this <3 Thank you for updating :) I think you just made the next two weeks bearable because of what I have to look forward to ^^

Date: 2011-01-07 10:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
omg You check frequently??? It's been over half a year since my last update D:
Thank you for reading! :)

I hope you enjoy it when you finally read it :D

Best of luck on your exams!!!!!

Date: 2011-01-07 07:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xsuju-addictx.livejournal.com
THIS FIC, I SAW IT SINCE IDEK,BUT YOU TOOK QUITE A LONG TIME RIGHT TO FINISH THIS? AROUND HALF THIS YEAR, I THINK I SAW THIS FIC, BUT NEVER BOTHER TO READ IT.
WHY? WELL, ITS CONFUSING! AT FIRST, BUT I KNOW YOU INTEND TO WRITE IT LIKE THAT, SHEESH TORTURER!
BUT ANYWAY, TODAY I SAW UPDATE, SO I MEAN, IM BORED, AND I REALLY DONT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO READ AND SO I THINK I SHOULD GIVE IT A TRY.
I READ THE CHAPTER 1 FIRST YET AGAIN, AND I SCRUNCED MY FACE FROM TIME TO TIME, LIKE I DID BEFORE.
BUT THEN, I SEE THIS THING, WHICH I DIDNT SEE IT BEFORE.
not in chronological order- SO I WENT "AHHHHHHHHHHHH, THATS WHY" IM BLUR SOMETIMES, SO FORGIVE ME. SO, I GOT IT PERFECTLY THIS TIME, DOING A MARATHON OVER THIS FIC. AND ITS CHAPTER 23 NOW! LOOONGGGGGG UPDATES FOR EVERY CHAPTER. AND YET, I WAS STILL HERE, READING-OGLING, WILL DESCRIBE THE BEST, THIS FIC.
YOOCHUN COULD BE SUCH AN IDIOT AND I FREAKING LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DO LIKE WHAT YOOCHUN SHOULD SAY, AND YET HE SAID THE OTHER THING OR JUST KEPT SILENT.
I WAS HERE AND LIKE "OMGOSH, YOU STUPID FOOL, JUST SAY THE DAMN THING!"
CAUSE, ERGH, YOUVE DONE A REALLY GOOD JOB IN EXPLAINING HOW STUPID CAN SOMEONE BE WHEN HE'S IN LOVE AND AFRAID OF LOSING.
EVEN I CAN RELATE MYSELF TO THIS FIC, INCLUDING THE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE PART, BUT ITS COOL NOW. :) IM HAPPY ^^

OKAY, ANYWAY, BY THE LOOKS OF IT, YOU CAN PREDICT RIGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A REALLY LONG COMMENT? YEAH, AND I STALKED YOU AS HOW YOU REPLY YOUR COMMENTERS, AND I KNOW YOU'D ONLY BE LIKE "THANKS." AND THATS THAT. BUT I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS.
I JUST THOUGHT THIS FIC WORTH RECEIVING LONG COMMENTS.
BESIDE, I CRAMPED ALL MY COMMENT FOR 23 CHAPTERS, ITS GONNA ABSOLUTELY LONG. IVE DONE THIS BEFORE, NO WORRIES, MY FINGERS WONT BLEED OR ANYTHING.

OK, BACK TO STORY. THE YOOSU WAS ALL GOOD, SEEING JUNSU STILL A BIT? IDEK INLOVE WITH YOOCHUN IS VERY AWWWWWW.
THOUGH IM MORE BIASED TOWARDS JAECHUN, BUT THE WAY YOU WROTE IT MAKES ME FEEL SORRY FOR JUNSU.
AND CHANGMIN TOO! OMG, HIM. THE RAINING INCIDENT, GOSH.
I STOPPED BREATHING FOR A SECOND THERE. I WAS LIKE o.O!!
BUT ANYWAY, I CRIED. ALOT DURING THIS FIC.
WHEN JAEJOONG LEFT YOOCHUN, YOOSU BROKE UP, YOOMIN BROKE UP, JAEJOONG WENT MISSING AND FOUND ALL BLOODIED, JAEJOONG REFUSING TO LOOK AT YOOCHUN AT HOSPITAL, JAEJOONG SAID DONT GIVE UP ON ME, AND I FREAKING CRIED WHEN YOOCHUN WAS JEALOUS OVER YUNHO.
I MEAN, I FREAKING CAN FEEL HIM. REMEMBER WHEN I SAID, THIS CAN RELATE TO MYSELF? OMG. I CRIED LIKE SOME MORON ON MY BED, HICCUPPING CRAZILY.
ITS JUST A BLOW FOR ME, SERIOUS. THE SCENE IS TOO SIMILAR.
ANYWAY, NOW, JAEJOONG IS ALL GOOD, AND JUST LIKE YOOCHUN, I FREAKING WANT TO KNOW WHAT JAEJOONG WRITE-OR SCRIBBLE IN THE NOTEBOOK.
AND I SENSE INSECURITY FROM HIM BECAUSE OF YOOSU. MAYBE THATS JUST ME.

BUT ANYWAY, YOUR FIC IS DARK THEMED, ANGST ALL OVER, I CRINGED EVERYTIME. ITS A FIC THAT RESEMBLES LIFE, AND LOVE. OMG I SERIOUSLY LOVE HOW YOU EXPRESS ALL OF THEM ARE FEELING, IM SERIOUS.
THE WAY YOU WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOOCHUN BEEN FEELING, IS JUST THE BEST IVE EVER SEEN. YOURE REALLY AWESOME AT THAT.

ITS THE END OF MY COMMENT, ITS LONG TAKE TIME TO READ IT LMAO.
HOPE YOULL UPDATE SOON, AND MAKE ME CRY AGAIN, I DONT WANT TO THOUGH, IVE CRIED SO MUCH TODAY.
BUT ANYWAY, I LOVE YOU.
I FREAKING REALLY DO. <333

P/S: you forgot to add the "next chapter" link at chapter 21 and 22. :)

Date: 2011-01-07 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Ack! The caps scared me at first LOL A bit hard to read ^^

Yeah, it has been some 3 years since I first started this fic. Long, long time.
LOL yay for boredom?

I make a point to read the warnings, always, you never know what you'll find. And, yes, that part concerning the lack of chronological order, very important to understand the entire thing XD

Yoochun makes a lot of people mad ^^;

LOL I give longer replies if there is something to reply to, like yours. The fic is so long, so, yes, I understand, and I appreciate this comment very, very much :) Good thing about your fingers lol

I always feel guilty when people tell me this has made them cry :( Regarding YooSu and YooMin, as much as I liked YooSu, it had to end. The same for YooMin, but this one was so hard to do. I didn't want to break them up. They were so happy :(

When you say you can relate, while this story is not at all based on my own life, it's a very personal fic, and it does reflect elements of my own feelings in different stages of my life. Jaejoong in particular, I relate to him a lot.

I never meant for this fic to be so dark. It just turned out that way lol Oh, yeah, it was supposed to be 4 chapters long, originally. Crazy, huh?

Thanks very much for this comment, and for your very kind words. It always makes me happy to know how people feel about this fic ♥

P.S. Thanks for reminding me. I'll be sure to fix it :)
Edited Date: 2011-01-07 11:18 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-01-08 12:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stage-persona.livejournal.com
I miss this fic so much! I have to read it all again
I'm glad you update, this is my favorite fic
and I hope you are doing well <3

Date: 2011-01-09 12:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
gah, a lot to read. Sorry I took so long ^^;;
Thank you!!!!! It makes me really happy to hear that! :D
I am, thank you. You, too :) ♥

Date: 2011-01-09 07:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gunduzdusu.livejournal.com
This is beyond perfect... I was looking for soulmates fics and I found your fic luckily... And I have just read it all in one go... The story is breathtaking... The way soulmates feel for each other... Jaejoong's moods are crazy... He is so instable about everything and maybe the only stable thing he has is his love for Yoochun which is maybe the only thing that keeps him alive... And Yoochun's love for him is just equally amazing... Even during times he had no idea about his illness and he just did not understand his moods he kept loving him... Even during times he felt abandoned and lonely and tried to find love in others his heart amazingly belonged just to Jaejoong... And the way he gave up everything, everyone for Jaejoong... It's just like they are eachother's worlds... just like they share one heart, not even two hearts beating for each other... if one dies the other just follow him naturally... no matter it is hell or heaven they have to be together...

it is also impressive that how Junsu and Changmin goes on to love Yoochun and Yunho goes on to love Jaejoong... The way how they do not leave soulmates despite of their broken hearts...

this story is so touching... reading it both makes my heart ache and makes me envy soulmates' incredible love...

i hope you update soon...

thnx for the amazing story...

Date: 2011-01-11 03:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Some people think they're pathetic, but I love how you describe them. That's the way they feel about each other. It's pretty clear from Yoochun's side, at the very least :)

I'll update very soon :)

Thanks so much for your very kind words, and for reading :D
(deleted comment)

Date: 2011-01-11 03:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Yay! I finally updated!!!! I've been talking about it for a while, but hadn't, right? lol
Thanks so so soooooo much for following this fic and being so supportive (even though I suck at updating). You're one of the people who gives me a little push every once in a while, even if you don't realize it :D

♥ ♥ ♥
(deleted comment)

Date: 2011-01-12 06:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
You've never been pushy, and I've needed it. Part of what helped me write this chapter was that we talked about the soulmate-a-day comm. It made me miss them. So, you're partially responsible XD

Date: 2011-01-15 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thedarksideme.livejournal.com
AN UPDATE!!! been waiting ^_^

i see that you're already planning the ending. now chunnie go and start TALKING to jae and stop thinking that it doesn't matter whether you talk to him or not >.>

glad you updated~! ♥♥♥ a good way to start the year xD

Date: 2011-02-01 01:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Thanks so much for reading. I already updated :) ♥

Date: 2011-01-18 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] witch-hag.livejournal.com
I started to read this fic a while ago and finally I catched up ^^ Thank you for writing this I really like the story, characters and the way you write... Really, good job ^^

Ah, I have many things to say but... hmm... First of all, JJ makes me all crazy with him... yeah, he has up and downs and he can't help it but his personality and all the things that go through his head are already crazy and that has nothing to do with his disease LOL xD He is really fun and I like him... Also he is sometimes stupid, overly self-confident, sometimes a complete asshole who doesn't care about anybody... he went through a lot of things the people who met, his family, his life-style and his overly-creative brain gave him this -impossible to understand- personality... But he tries... he wants to fix himself... he is able to see the mistakes... I am glad for him.. I hope everything goes well in the end...

Yoochun, God, he is a coward.. and has many rights to be LOL xD He is not sure what to do with his life... always in a controversy... never confident... his life is messed up by many things as if only Jaejoong is not enough to make everything completely out of the track... ha ha... that's why he can't believe in or rely on anything completely... I really become happy when he finally decides on something and takes a breath... What he has with Jaejoong is so special... impossible to give up... so deep... Changmin, Junsu were also very good lovers but everything is so different with Jaejoong... I really like that love and bond between them...

Jaejoong expects something from Yoochun... and Yoochun needs to take action... wait and wait and wait... till' when? Jaejoong always led Yoochun, made him do whatever he wants, he came and left as he pleased and denied or ignored when he didn't want sth... and that made Yoochun learn to wait... wait for him.. receive what he gives and expect no more... because he scared to lose him otherwise and JJ made him think like that... But I think JJ regrets it... Even in past he gave the clues of that he wants something more from Yoochun, there is some kinda task that he wants him to fulfill, sth Yoochun hadn't done, I don't know what that is but obviously he can't help JJ if he stays silent and let JJ be as he likes, I was like that through all story "Yoochun say sth, Yoochun DO sth, WTH are you waitin for? oh, that didn't work? So what? try sth else then!! Ask it in a different way? Ahhh just don't let JJ escape or hide... just find a way to reach him... just don't fucking wait like this!!!!" I went crazy like that LOL xD Someone needs to slap him... YunMinSu trio advices don't seem enough to him... *sighs* Jaejoong is waiting Yoochun is waiting and I am going crazy between those two.... shouting and yelling at them... :P

I wonder what will happen in the end... Please update ^^ Thnks again ^^

Date: 2011-02-01 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
he has up and downs and he can't help it but his personality and all the things that go through his head are already crazy and that has nothing to do with his disease

I've been wondering about this. Do you know someone who is bipolar? His ups and downs, his overall craziness are probably the biggest part of the disorder. That's not to say that he isn't already silly. His disorder just makes him more so lol Do note that when he's in a normal state, he's more serious, and less prone to doing anything that would be considered crazy.

About Yoochun, everyone says that LOL Oh, well, what can you do? I don't know that Jae is waiting for Yoochun to do anything, and Yoochun is doing all he can do at this point.

Anyway, thanks for reading and leaving me this great, long comment ;D

And I updated today :D

Date: 2011-02-01 12:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] witch-hag.livejournal.com
Yeah, I tried to mean that when saying up and downs he can't help it because it is his disease but I think he is crazy without the disease too LOL xD Because he thinks of very crazy things that people would never think. his world is so different from others even when he is serious and I like it!!! Really I like that sorta crazy people ^^

About Yoochun I think too he really tries hard and try to do the best but he can't find what is the best to do so he can't do it he should search for more even though how much he tries he can't catch up to JJ :P

I wonder what happened in the next chapter I am gonna go and read it ^^ Yay!!!!!

Date: 2011-02-01 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stage-persona.livejournal.com
I was thinking of this fic :O
you update! Thank you <3

Date: 2011-02-01 01:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] milena-1980.livejournal.com
Thanks for reading! I posted ch24 today :)
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