milena_1980 | Fic: Sleeping With Ghosts 15/?

milena_1980

Title: Sleeping With Ghosts 15/?
Author: Pandora/

milena_1980
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: JaeChun (main), YooSu, YooMin, JaeHo, HoMin, HyukSu
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Warning: Underage sex (17, but, just to be safe); suicidal feelings; references to substance abuse; self-harm
Summary: Soul mates never die
A/N: Another series of connected drabbles/ficlets, this time JaeChun. No specific number of words this time. Not always in chronological order! Title and lyrics from Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo
A/N2: I apologize for any grammar mistakes, etc. Please let me know if you find anything!! Comments are love and I also appreciate concrit^^

Soul

Title: Happy

How do you get these, anyway?

He grins at you, opening another bottle and taking a swig.

Does it matter? he asks, offering the bottle to you. You snort, but take it and drink from it. I don't steal these, if that's what you're worried about.

You shake your head.

I thought maybe you took them from home, you reply. Jaejoong seems to always have alcohol around, at least when you go out at night. Or maybe one of your sisters bought them for you.

This time, he snorts, rolling his eyes.

My sisters? Psh. He takes the bottle from your hand and drinks. No, no one in my family would buy alcohol for me.

You decide not to ask anymore after he turns up the radio (his way of saying he doesn't want to talk about it anymore). Another night at the beach. These outings seems to be getting more frequent as the end of the school year approaches, but you don't mind (Jaejoong isn't the only one who needs an escape). He may be worried about his performance at school, since it's possible he may have to take classes during vacation if he fails again. You really wish he would study more, you even encourage him to when he comes home with you, but he becomes frustrated and restless too easily.

He starts singing along the song on the radio, pausing to drink from the bottle every few seconds. He has such a beautiful singing voice, you think. You could just close your eyes and listen to him forever. So you do.

The song ends and another begins, a soft love song about falling in love and beginnings. Months ago, you would have rolled your eyes at the lyrics, but now . . .

Are you falling asleep on me? he asks, suddenly, poking your side. You jump and glare at him.

Can't a guy just rest his eyes? you reply, poking him back. He shrieks in protest, so uncharacteristic of him; you burst out laughing, hard.

Asshole, he says, hitting your arm. Not funny. His words make you laugh even harder.

You shriek like a girl! you tease, wiping at the tears in the corners of your eyes.

He glares at you again and goes back to drinking. After a while, you calm down and he's back to singing. You know he's pretending to be mad at you, so you move closer, snuggling up to him.

I was just teasing, you apologize. Forgive me?

He pretends to think, turning away from you.

Maybe, he says finally. Hmm, maybe I'll let you earn your forgiveness.

You look into his eyes and you don't need to ask what he means. You lean forward to kiss him; he kisses back, moving so that you can slide your arms around his waist more comfortably. You think you hear the bottle fall from his grasp, but you couldn't care less.

Title: Dread

We need to get him to a hospital, Junsu insists, arms crossed over his chest. You're sitting on the bed, right next to Jaejoong, trying to find the source of the blood.

Help me get his shirt off, you ask, choosing to ignore him. A part of you knows that he's right, but you don't want to make a decision without his consent, at the very least.

Junsu sighs impatiently, but comes up to the bed. Between the two of you, you manage to take off the blue shirt. The sight beneath it makes you gag.

What the fuck? Junsu asks, frowning. Yoochun . . .

You shake your head. You don't want to hear questions, nor any possible theories as to how Jaejoong's chest and arms have ended up with cuts and bruises all over. Your best friend ignores you, though, and surprises you once more.

They seem self-inflicted, he says, holding one of Jaejoong's arms and examining a cut. You want to yell at him to let go of your lover, but you can only watch. If not, who would do this to him?

You swallow hard, closing your eyes. Coward, you tell yourself, unwilling to look at the mess that is the man you love. Why would he hurt himself like this? It must have been someone else . . .

There are some recent scars, too, Junsu continued. Yoochun, we need to get him to a hospital now. Otherwise, I swear . . .

Can't we just wait until he wakes up, at least? you finally speak, glaring at him. Junsu glares back.

You're an idiot, he says, before he sighs impatiently. And so am I. Obviously. Junsu moves toward the door. I'm going to prepare a bath for him. He looks like he hasn't bathed in weeks.

Fuck, you mutter after he's gone. This is all your fault. Why didn't you answer his phone calls? Why didn't you open the fucking door? Then maybe you could have prevented this from happening, you wouldn't be looking at this mess.

What the fuck did you do to yourself? you ask him. He just continues to sleep.

Junsu returns soon enough.

Finish undressing him, he asks. You're relieved to see that his lower body is unmarred, maybe a bruise here and there, but nothing like his chest. Junsu takes his arms, you take his legs, and somehow you manage to drag him to the bathroom. The water is just the perfect temperature. Junsu gives you a washcloth and some soap so that you can start; he chooses to wash Jaejoong's hair.

He smells terrible, he says, wrinkling his nose as he works through the longish black hair. Do you think . . .?

I don't want to think, you tell him, carefully washing Jaejoong's chest. The blood begins to turn the water slightly red; you're relieved when you realize the cuts are shallow and already healing. You hear Junsu sigh, but you really don't want to talk.

You're forced to change the water and you hold Jaejoong up while Junsu fills the bathtub once again. This is ridiculous, you think more than once, but, really, it's your fault that this is happening in the first place. And Junsu . . . you really don't deserve him. Any other friend would have sent you to hell before doing what he's doing now.

Once you're done, you carry him back into the bedroom. You've only just finished dressing him up in a t-shirt and shorts, when he opens his eyes.

Yoochun . . . he whispers, smiling slightly. You swallow hard, looking for something to say, but he closes his eyes and falls asleep again.

I didn't believe Junsu when he told me. You look to the door and you see Hyukjae standing at the doorway, gazing at Jaejoong with sadness. I know you said no hospitals, but, maybe a doctor, then?

You exhale.

I don't know, and you really don't. You're just so confused, so hurt, you don't know what the hell to do.

Maybe you should call Yunho hyung, he suggests. You look up at him. Now, there's an intelligent idea. Can you do it, though?

I should, you agree. Meanwhile . . . He's deeply asleep, dark bags under his eyes.

What are you going to do with him? You're sure he already knows the answer.

Take him home.

Title: Fade

Sir, are you all right? your secretary asks the next morning when you call in sick.

Just a bug, I think, you say. She assures you she will inform your superiors about your absence and then you're on your own.

He's in the bedroom, sleeping, has been since you and Hyukjae managed to bring him down to your apartment yesterday. Jaejoong was slightly awake by then, so you chose to grab the opportunity before he fell asleep again.

I still say hospital, Junsu said as he helped by opening the door to your apartment.

I think we've talked about that enough times already, Hyukjae protested, grunting slightly.

Jaejoong seemed to awake a bit more at their words and started slightly.

No hospitals, you assured him. Once in bed, he fell asleep once more and you were able to breathe again (or so you told yourself).

You haven't slept a wink since then; you can only watch him and wonder. What happened? Will he ever wake up? Is he sick? So tired of wondering. You consider calling Yunho more than once, but your stupid pride gets in the way. He would help, you know he would. Didn't Changmin say Yunho still cares for Jaejoong? He's just a phone call away, so close, and yet . . .

It's already late afternoon when you decide to lie in bed with a book. You've been restless all day, no meals (unless you call cigarette smoke food), just walking around, or sitting, thinking until you think your head will explode. Stupid book. You can’t even concentrate on a few simple words.

You're about to put it aside, when you feel movement next to you; you watch as Jaejoong moves to lie on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Hyung, you say softly. He turns to look at you, sleepy and so tired. You've been sleeping for a long time.

He doesn't say anything, just stares at you. His eyes look so empty, it's like he's not even there (the thought hurts more than you can bear).

Finally, you sigh.

I'm sorry, you tell him. I was angry and . . . I shouldn't have ignored you. You press your lips tight and look away, guilt eating at you. Fuck, Jaejoong, I didn't know what to do.

He doesn't answer, though. You can't blame him: why would he want to talk to you after you turned him away when he most needed you?

When you look at him again, you realize he's crying, tears falling and staining his beautiful face.

Shit, you mutter, moving to hold him close. He doesn't make any sound, but you can feel his chest heaving, until he can't hold it in anymore; each sob stabs at your heart over and over again. You wish you could say something, anything, to ease his pain, but you have nothing.

So you hold him, you kiss his hair; it's all you can do.

Title: Crash

Fix me.

You wake up to the sound of someone crying. As soon as you look to his side of the bed, you see him: rocking back and forth, sobbing so hard he can barely breathe. You want to touch him, hold him, but you hesitate. What are you supposed to do? This isn't the Jaejoong you know and it scares you; you know how to deal with him when he laughs and sings and acts crazy, but now you're at a loss. You can't just leave him like this, though.

Hyung, you call out softly. He doesn't stop, just covers his face to muffle the sounds. You move closer, putting your arms around him. What is it?

He can't answer, but he lets you pull him into an embrace. He keeps crying; the sound alone kills you. You have never seen him like this, so weak and vulnerable, so frail you're afraid he'll break in your arms.

Fix me, he whispers, again and again.

What am I supposed to do? it's all you can ask, tears running down your face (his pain is your pain, you're never more aware of this than now, and, god, it hurts). Anger, guilt, love, so many feelings hit you whenever he's close, you're a confused mess and you hate it. Why are you so useless when he needs you most?

I'm so tired, he says, over and over again, breath hitching.

Of what? you want to ask, but you don't. You just hold him, you let him cry until he's so exhausted he can't keep upright any longer. You lie down and keep him close, until he falls asleep.

Hours later, you're still awake, staring up at the ceiling. What am I supposed to do? you ask yourself again and again. The situation is killing you, Jaejoong speaks in riddles. Are you supposed to just force him?

Fuck! you mutter, angry at feeling so powerless.

Title: Change

I'm home, you call out into your dark apartment. All the lights are off, but the sliding door to the balcony is open.

You see him as soon as you walk closer, standing at the railing, wearing only pajama bottoms and smoking a cigarette. You have to sigh. Nearly five days have passed since Junsu found him and very little has changed. He sleeps most of the time, he barely eats (he's nearly skin and bones now); sometimes he writes in a notebook you gave him when he asked (you tried to read his writing once, but nothing made sense); he doesn't want to talk to you, though he frequently sits close to you when you least expect it. You thought you would ask for explanations as soon as he got better, but days keep going by and he's the same.

You'll catch cold, you say, walking up to the railing. He doesn't look at you, just shrugs and continues to smoke.

I'll be fine, he replies, voice devoid of any emotion.

You bite your lower lip, wondering what to say. You're afraid of saying something stupid, of driving him away without meaning to. How long can you stand this, anyway?

Push him to tell you, Yunho told you not so long ago. He wants to tell you everything, he just doesn't know how to.

Talking with him would be good, Junsu urged you. As in actually trapping him and asking him what the hell is wrong with him. Haven't you been wondering since forever?

Can you do it, though? And, if you do, will he run away like he always does?

I can't go on like this, you think, looking at him. You take a deep breath.

Please tell me what's going on, you tell him. He doesn't react, though. I won't judge you, you know that. I just want to help you.

He doesn't move, still staring at the street below. You grow more and more frustrated every second that goes by, and, shit, it hurts! Why can't he see that you're hurting, too? So many years, just wondering and thinking about him, where he was, how he lived. Now he's here, he's safe. Have you not shown him that you love him? Did you not before you cut him off from your life?

You shake your head, ready to give up, when he sighs.

I'm just an idiot, he says, suddenly. Sometimes it's too much, sometimes it's just not enough. He sighs. What is he talking about? I'd rather feel too much than nothing at all. That's probably why I fuck up so much.

You stare at him, trying to make sense of his words. What is he talking about?

I don't understand, you admit. Ever since we were kids, you've always been like this. I never thought much about it . . .

Crazy Jaejoong, and he smiles at you fondly, his eyes showing any kind of emotion for the first time in days. I didn't understand it myself. I still don't. He sighs, putting out his cigarette. What do you want me to tell you, Yoochunnie? I don't have any answers . . .

Yes, you do, you argue. Except you run away every time I ask.

He considers your words, lips a line between amusement and confusion.

I suppose I do, he says, finally. You probably have this tragic story already made up . . .

I don't. All I ever wanted to know was what happened when you left that night. You have no idea how many nights I stayed up, thinking you were dead or . . .

I wasn't, he says, as if that fixed everything. Though I wanted to be. His eyes fill with tears. Before I met you, it was all I wanted. And I almost got my wish back then.

Your heart stops. Is he saying . . . ?

Is that why you were away for so many days? And why you looked like hell when you came to say goodbye? You're angry, and, fuck, this hurts! How could he . . . ? You went and did something and you didn't even tell me? What did you think I would have done when I found out, you asshole!?

He shakes his head.

You're strong, he says, as if that were enough. Fuck, Yoochun, I didn't know what else to do!

You look away from him. Does it really matter now, though?

Why don't you get help? you ask, somehow managing to speak softly. Go to a doctor, get treatment for whatever . . .

He shakes his head.

They're more fucked up than I am. He laughs derisively. I've seen my share of doctors, and, trust me . . . He shakes his head, reaching for the pack of cigarettes on one of the chairs.

You don't let him; you grab him and hold him tight. No matter what he says . . .

I just want you to live, you whisper. Can't you hold on to that at least?

He sighs, sliding his arms around you. But he says nothing.

Title: Children

We should go to the amusement park, he says, smiling brightly at you. You can be my date!

You roll your eyes. There he goes again with the flirting. If anyone ever stopped to listen to your conversations, they would think you a couple for sure. Baby! he'll call out to you sometimes and he'll put his arm around your shoulders. He loves it, of course, he'll grin like a devil whenever someone stops to look at the two of you. You doubt he has a crush on you, but really, you could do without the exaggerated displays of affection.

Man, don't say that, you tell him, glaring. At this rate, everyone at school probably thinks we're a couple.

He grins.

Aww, am I not pretty enough to be your girlfriend? He laughs when you make as if to hit him with a book. I'm just having fun! People at school don't even care.

Well, I do, you reply. What if all the girls think I'm into boys?

He rolls his eyes.

Someone here is unsure of his manhood, he teases. Lighten up, Yoochunnie. I'm just teasing. He walks in silence for a few seconds (a miracle, as far as you're concerned). About the amusement park, though, I really want to go. And you have to come with me! I don't want to go alone.

He pouts at you and you wonder, not for the first time ever, whether he really is older than you. Jaejoong is so childish sometimes, and the way he talks and moves, he can go on and on just telling you stories you don't really care about. That's part of his charm, you suppose.

All right, all right, I'll go! you finally give in. He nearly tackles you in the middle of the sidewalk.

Yay! Oh, is this guy for real? He smiles happily. Hey, wanna go for ice cream? My treat.

Okay.

As friendly and open as he seems to be, though, you know so very little about him. How long have you been friends? Ah, you can't even remember now; it feels as though he has always been in your life. You think you have told him nearly everything there is to know about you: your parents' divorce, missing your brother, some of your hobbies (though you never tell him about your secret dream to be a professional singer), your ex-girlfriend . . . When it comes to him, however . . .

You want that caramel goop again? he asks, nose wrinkling at the thought of your favorite ice cream flavor.

It's not goop, you argue. Jaejoong doesn't really like sweets, it shows even in his favorite ice cream flavor: mint. Honestly, who wants to eat mint ice cream?

It'll give you cavities. Girls don't find cavities attractive, you know.

When you glance at him, you realize he's teasing again.

Ah, leave me alone. You stick your tongue out at him and he covers his mouth as he laughs.

As annoying as you may find him sometimes, you're glad he's your friend. Really, what did you have before he pushed his way into your life? A nonexistent family life, a broken relationship, no real friends. Jaejoong, on the other hand . . . He's always there for you, he can tell when you're sad, when you're happy. How many people can say that about a friend?

You wish you could say that you're the same to him, but . . . you don't know him enough, no matter how hard you try. He dodges every question you ask about his family or about the possibility that he may have other friends aside from you.

Nah, he said the first time you asked. I would've introduced you by now.

Kim Jaejoong, mystery boy.

You laugh at the ridiculous phrase, immediately picturing him as a superhero or something similar.

He doesn't notice, though: he's rushing to the ice cream store and is already in line. You have to smile at the sight. How can anyone be so pure and innocent?

Title: Soul

I'm home, you call out. You don't know why you bother—it's not like Jaejoong ever answers. The house is so quiet. He's probably sleeping again.

You sigh, taking off your jacket and tie, leaving your suitcase on the sofa. You have brought work home again. You're horribly behind in pretty much every project you had going when Jaejoong came back into your life, and you're about to go crazy. Your current situation with your lover doesn't help either; you barely get any sleep, maybe an hour or two each night. Shit, you really don't feel like working the entire night. In a way, you're glad you have an excuse to come home earlier, being at the office just . . . If only you were strong enough to leave that place.

You start unbuttoning your shirt as you walk into the bedroom, fully expecting to find Jaejoong in bed. Strange, he wasn't in the kitchen. Maybe he's in the bathroom? You change your shirt, suddenly noting that the room looks neater than it has in months. Even the bed is made, a rare thing since Jaejoong has been living with you.

Maybe he's feeling better, you think, unable to suppress a smile. There's something on your pillow, though, a piece of paper. You look around the room, feeling strange, and grab the note.

I'm sorry, it reads in his messy handwriting. Your heart beats fast at the words. Has he . . . ? Did he leave?

Jaejoong! you call out, starting to look all over the apartment. His notebook is at its usual place on the coffee table, and his pack of cigarettes is right next to it. When you turn back to the hall, you finally notice that the bathroom door is closed. You knock on it.

Jaejoong, are you in there? You wait a few seconds, but there's no answer. It's unlocked; you open up, hoping to find him there. And you do.

He's lying in the bathtub, his wrists slit, the water so red you wonder how long he must have been in there. He looks so pale, eyes closed. Is he . . . ?

Jaejoong! You hurry to him and get him out of the water. He's so cold, Fuck, your hands are shaking. What do you do? What the hell are you supposed to do? You can't think straight, and you think you'll throw up any second now.

Then you remember. You grab your cell phone, and you dial the number you've done your best to ignore for so long.

Yoochun? he answers, sounding surprised.

Yunho! Jaejoong, he . . . Oh, god, Yunho . . . Tears are running down your face; you keep Jaejoong close, so close, you don't want to let go. What if . . . ?

Okay, calm down. What happened? he sounds calm and in control, and fuck, you hate him but you need him right now or else . . .

You tell him as best as you can, your breath hitching, your heart beating so fast it hurts.

I'm calling an ambulance right now, he says immediately. And I'll be there in a few minutes. Call Junsu if you can, okay?

You can only nod, unable to speak another word.

Don't be dead, you tell him in your head. Please don't be dead.

Title: Crushed

You found him just in time, Yunho tells you, sitting next to you.

He came over as fast as he said he would. As soon as you let him inside, you led him to the bathroom and he checked on Jaejoong, placing long fingers on your lover's throat.

He's still alive, he said, eyes filling with tears. You wanted to cry in relief, but the ambulance, where was it? If they didn't arrive soon . . .

Once at the hospital, you couldn't keep still. What was going on? Would they tell you? If he died . . . How would you go on? Could you go on knowing he was gone forever?

You couldn't reach Junsu. He would put things into perspective, you knew, if only you had the chance to talk to him. But no, tonight he was probably busy, with Hyukjae or who knew what. I fucking need you right now! you thought at him, fighting more tears.

They're doing a blood transfusion, he continues, voice soft in the emergency room. The doctor says we almost lost him.

You look at him for the first time since you arrived to the hospital. He looks worried, eyes filled with grief; you can tell he has been pulling at his own hair in frustration. You, on the other hand, are feeling numb. You don’t know whether or not to be glad about it. Everything feels like a horrible nightmare and you just want to wake up.

Suddenly, he touches your shoulder.

Yoochun, he's going to be all right, he says (you think he may be trying to convince himself, as well). Your breath hitches, though.

How did you do it? you ask him, close to tears again. How were you able to live with him, with his ups and downs, and shit, Yunho! How the fuck did you do it and not go insane?

He gives you a sad look.

The same way you have, he answers. You want to protest that you have done nothing to help Jaejoong, not like Yunho has. I loved him and tried to help him do what was best for him. He shrugs. We were together five years and, trust me, sometimes I just wanted to get up and leave, especially after we ran into you. I knew what would happen and I tried to convince him not to. He didn't listen.

Another thing that's your fault? You try to shake the memories and feelings away.

What is his illness or condition or whatever it is he has? you ask softly.

Yunhosshi.

You both look up and your mouth nearly hangs open at the sight before you.

Yoochun, she says, looking shocked. You feel awful that you can't remember her name, but, what is she doing here?

Nuna, you call her like you did so many years ago and even that night she found you sleeping in front of her house.

I'm glad you came, Yunho says politely, standing up. You'll need to fill out some papers.

She nods, but then glances at you again.

I hope we can talk later, she says, before following Yunho to the nurses' desk.

You can only stare as she walks away.

tbc . . .

<<Part 14 | Part 16>>

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Sleeping With Ghosts - Placebo